Learn broadly, and with passion.

I run Biomedical Ephemera and Cabbaging Cove. See my "About Me" section in the Links to find them. Or do a Google. Whatever milks your Guernsey.

my husband works 70+ hour weeks and I cant even bring myself to *exist* more than 20 hours a week

I am a sham of a human

in good news: I apparently don’t need gabapentin to be a sham of a human! I have been of it for more than a week and a half now and all I’m dealing with is a slightly elevated non-existence. it was horrible at first - nausea, extreme pain, and exhaustion - but I guess that’s to be expected after being on a drug for 10+ years?

in other news I’ve somehow survived 10 years past my 16th birthday

i’m not sure how that happened

"Morning After"

Aside from the beer, something my brother wanted to do for my wedding was to cook a brunch meal; people did him one better and brought tons of stuff on top of what my dad bought and cooked. It was croissants and quiche and champagne to death!

But my favorite part was my dad teaching the kids (in the loosest sense possible - he also showed Erin and others older than me) how to sabre a champagne bottle with a butcher knife. He learned that for Thanksgiving two years ago, when my brother was still with me. Erin goaded him into learning, and we were all duly impressed.

So we had a case of champagne, and a gaggle of saberers and a great time and I think Brendan would have loved it.

Reblogged from scarletdisciple  1,240 notes
scarletdisciple:

…I dunno, can someone point me at a job that even pays 50k a year? People who make 50k a year have a right to be mad? I dunno, I’ll take their job if they don’t want it…. I’d LOVE a job like that. But I can’t even land one that pays HALF that. 
I think that’s the real problem here….

1. yes, you are correct, neither can i (as i have no degree yet, if i did, I lie to myself that my prospects would be different)
2. my husband makes almost (5/6) that much at his current job managing marketing teams, which he got by working 70+ hour weeks and nearly dying early on and which is a perennially unstable job which he could lose at any moment because the company owners dont think he’s worth keeping around or any other reason
3. after student loan payments, phone payments, and basic necessities (including my drugs, which run $550 a month with his shit insurance, hopefully less next month when I have my own), his salary isn’t even enough to squirrel away savings for an emergency fund should our cats become sick or our car break down. we’re lucky that we were able to pay off our CC with our wedding gifts.

okay I’m not sure why i’m acting like i’m rebutting this when i’m 100% in your camp - we’re not pissed or angry at anyone and we dont even make that much. it’s just…yeah, that’s a hell of a lot more than the average salary with the outliers excluded. but that doesn’t mean we’re able to do much with that - our educations were so fucking expensive, and i cant even do anything with mine until I finish it, but I cant finish it until we can save up some money so I can go back to school
there’s a fuckton broken in our country and none of it is solved by being pissed at anyone on food stamps or welfare. On a related note, we were on SNAP for about a year, and it helped SO FUCKING MUCH - not being forced to eat nothing but ramen helped ben actually have the motivation to finish his degree.

scarletdisciple:

…I dunno, can someone point me at a job that even pays 50k a year? People who make 50k a year have a right to be mad? I dunno, I’ll take their job if they don’t want it…. I’d LOVE a job like that. But I can’t even land one that pays HALF that. 

I think that’s the real problem here….

1. yes, you are correct, neither can i (as i have no degree yet, if i did, I lie to myself that my prospects would be different)

2. my husband makes almost (5/6) that much at his current job managing marketing teams, which he got by working 70+ hour weeks and nearly dying early on and which is a perennially unstable job which he could lose at any moment because the company owners dont think he’s worth keeping around or any other reason

3. after student loan payments, phone payments, and basic necessities (including my drugs, which run $550 a month with his shit insurance, hopefully less next month when I have my own), his salary isn’t even enough to squirrel away savings for an emergency fund should our cats become sick or our car break down. we’re lucky that we were able to pay off our CC with our wedding gifts.

okay I’m not sure why i’m acting like i’m rebutting this when i’m 100% in your camp - we’re not pissed or angry at anyone and we dont even make that much. it’s just…yeah, that’s a hell of a lot more than the average salary with the outliers excluded. but that doesn’t mean we’re able to do much with that - our educations were so fucking expensive, and i cant even do anything with mine until I finish it, but I cant finish it until we can save up some money so I can go back to school

there’s a fuckton broken in our country and none of it is solved by being pissed at anyone on food stamps or welfare. On a related note, we were on SNAP for about a year, and it helped SO FUCKING MUCH - not being forced to eat nothing but ramen helped ben actually have the motivation to finish his degree.

Haha, mine aren't anything like that dark in person. But as soon as you use monochrome film, BOOM, black paint spatters. My father had hella freckles though, being one of those 'shaved-carrot redheads'. Mine are like... ninja freckles that only come out to ruin your photoshoot. (In color photos, I tend to turn yellow with pink blotches, I don't know why... it's like phantom CO poisoning...)

Oh man, you turn into my mom. She’s beautiful and mostly-graceful and funny and lovely in person, but the moment you turn the camera on her she gets all yellow and splotchy and awkward. My dad used to have red hair, but I don’t think he ever was very freckled…those come from my mom’s extremely Irish family…

Reblogged from scienceyoucanlove  31,187 notes

Mental illness is not like make up. You cannot apply it in the morning then remove at home where there is no one around. It will not make people love you more. You cannot put on a coat of depression, dust on anxiety, draw on your self injuries and spray your bulimia. It is not something so people think you are beautiful, Mental illness is not beautiful.

Mental illness is a disease to the brain. It makes you sick, the voices that you hear are no one else’s but your own. You get tired of things that you once loved, you get tired of people you once loved. Sometimes, you get so scared to go outside that you’d rather die inside your room. You hate yourself and hate yourself, you have no other way to express it but to draw blood. You remember that there are 49 calories in an apple but forget how to smile.
It is not like make up. You are not playing ‘Mommy’ or ‘Grown Ups’ It will not make you any more or less beautiful. So please stop pretending and romanticising mental illness.

By

(via rohyals)

This is true, especially about anorexia and bulimia. Even in 2014, they’re disgustingly romanticized and even desired by far too many people.

But, at the same time, it should also be imperative to stop assuming that everyone who doesn’t express mental illness in the same way as you or those you know is “faking it”, “pretending”, or not really mentally ill.

Cant we all just be decent to each other? Don’t assume the worst of people. Don’t assume that people are lying about things that don’t make sense to lie about. Even if they are, it may well be because of an entirely different mental illness.

Look, just don’t be a dick, alright? I’ve been clinically depressed since 9, on tons of drugs since my teens, never been “normal”, and have STILL been accused of “pretending” to be mentally ill, just because my drugs make me numb and unfeeling most of the time.

Mental illness sucks. It’s not something to be faked, and it’s not something to assume YOU have but others don’t.

I have given money to peiple and causes I believe in even when I have been near broke

I just want to show them I think they’re worthy, you know? And I’ve given much more significant amounts when I’ve had “extra” money, even though I’m sure I could have put that towards my own student loans or savings account.

But for some damn reason, I feel weird getting money. I don’t feel like I’ve earned it.

... Read more

feelings scare me

i am excited to get married (but i am not ready)

i am grateful and relieved that so many people are willing to help me out with zarky’s surgery costs (but i feel so guilty)

and most of all (but only for now)

i am unnaturally and confusingly excited to see trevor today. i do not get this way. i enjoy my time with him. we laugh and we talk and we watch the worst of movies and he is great to game with.

but why am i so excited? maybe because this is the last time i’ll see him before he’s in madison, to be in my wedding. he’s going to be in my wedding! what!? i hope he loves adria and erin as much as i do.

no more feels, please. i do not like them. it is confusing to feel. i want my neutral back.

you have adhd??
Anonymous

Sort of. I have refractive clinical depression. Technically I’m “in remission”, but I’m not really.

I’m stable, but at a very low level of functionality. Like, I don’t have mood swings (or moods, usually) thanks to the other drugs I’m on. I’ve tried many therapies, and so far none have helped, and I don’t have the resources to just detox and “start over” or try electroshock or transcranial magnetic therapies for the time being.

I’m still hoping to find a good therapist at some point, but right now I’m a bit busy raising money to get my cat’s tooth extracted, and I’m getting married in, like 3 weeks.

Anyway, the Vyvanse. Yeah, I take it when I’m actually able to start writing or getting shit done on my own. If I take it before then, I end up focusing on something totally unrelated to what I needed to get done, because I suck at being human. It helps me keep the momentum up and keep focused on my work.

I don’t have ADHD, or at least I don’t think I do. I simply can’t focus because of my other problems. It helps when I use it correctly…which I apparently failed to do today.